Friday, April 17, 2015

starving for love

Hi everyone who is still following this blog,

First I want to apologize to all of you who have wanted me to write more.. There are a lot of reason I stop writing but the main reason was I didn't want to hurt anyone with anything I wrote.. I was afraid my emotions and feelings were going to hurt people and that is not why I want to blog.. I want to write to help people who might feel the way I do.. I honestly didnt know if i would ever write again because I hated the fights, the feelings of regret, saddness, anger and such with all the events i write about and such.. I realize now that even if I dont write the feelings are always there and if writing them out can help me feel ok I have to try..

The past year or so I have learn alot about myself and about my life that in all honest I really dont know how to untangle.. my life at this very moment is so shaken up and stirred I have been battling demons I had kept at bay for so many years.. But I will update you all on the events of the last year in another post.. This post may be a bit confusing and such but to truly understand how I feel. It will be confusing as I am as confused as a person can get..

Tonight I want to talk about a subject I have been thinking about for a few and in all honesty I really struggling with.. A friend of mine a few nights ago says to me Jen, youre starving for Love.. You want it so bad you will look for it anywhere.. I laid down that night after we talked and it hit me square in the chest... Is it so bad to want arms that wrap u up in a hug and never let go? Is it wrong to want lay beneath the stars with someones arms around you? Is it impossible to want someone to look into your eyes and tell you that you are beautiful and your life matters? Is it wrong to want to be someone number 1? Is it why i push people i care about away most of the time?

As a little girl I was always the one who was different.. The one who walked like a peguin.. The one who wore diapers.. The one who didnt know she had to go to the bathroom unless someone told her.. the one that was too bull headed to do what the doctors said.. the one who would sit in the drs office while they ask me questions and i couldnt answer.. I honestly dont remember a time I didnt felt a bit out of place.. My parents and I have what some would call a very rocky relationship for sure.. I can remembers we would get into alot of fights about things and words were said in all honest I came to believe them to be true as the years went on.. As a little girl\teenager what is said about you is what you start to believe..  As much as I love my parents I have never felt close enough to feel I mattered enough or that i count run to them for much.. I honestly felt like I was the problem and that everything that happen was my fault..  I became to believe I was never gonna be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough..  I let the dreams of  my dad chasing away boyfriends, the dream of being asked out, the dreams of having a magically prom... I let the dream daddy teaching his daughter how to drive and getting her her first car die.. I guess they felt I never needed any boy talks or anything as I never was confident enough to go out with anyone.. Never actually had a boyfriend all thru school minus the jokes i was part of..  I felt that I didnt deserve to be loved by anyone as I began to not care what I wore to school or how I felt.. the harder anyone tried to push the harder i would turn it around to my fault..

I can remember when i was old enough I was left home when they would go to sports events and such.. when computers first come out we had one in the office.. when i was left home i would sneak onto chatrooms and such.. Yes, i know dangerous, stupid and such but I felt alone and in all honesty I just wanted to feel speical.. I think I was 16 when i  met a guy online from Nigeria.. He was sweet and began to call me beautiful.. He even sent me a bunch of gift baskets in the mail once.. (I was lucky my parents were home when they arrived).. I have done many things I regret online in the past but I see now I just wanted Love any kind of love..

I know most people know the whole Reba thing but its so much more than just admiring a singer.. When my grandma died I felt beyond abandoned and lost.. Finding her music was God sent I know and I know I will never truly understand it but from that day of the first song I began to fill my emptyiness with love from a woman who I felt was the only one that cared.. She  realeased a song right around the time of my grandmas death called I`ll Be.. It is a song that takes about being there for someone always.. I would listen to it and believe somehow Reba would always be there for anytime I needed her to be... I would come home from school and would go straight to my room.. Sounds crazy but I would sit on my bed and talk to her poster I had of her.. When I was scared or frighten I would play Ill Be.. Her show came out in 2001 and each time I watched it I would imagine myself as one of her daughters and taking in all of her advice and such.. For the first time I believe someone would actually be there for me always even if it was just thru her show, her music, and such..  so she is the one i turn to in time of need.. 

As the days, weeks, months, and years passed I began to feel like I couldnt get close to anyone anymore because when I did they would leave me.. I didnt want to get hurt anymore.. I have pushed so many people away for silly reasons but I am begining to understand why.. I didnt want them to get close and up and leave or something happen and they pass away.. I began to believe i wasnt good enough to be loved.. I didnt deserve to be loved.. i began to feel like the unwanted puppy in the cardboard box that no one wanted or wanted to play with.. i felt out in the cold..

Since being home from South Dakota I have felt more and more alone than ever.. not having a car isnt helping much but its hard trying to believe in yourself when you feel like your not worth anyone time.. The end of March 2015 I found an app on my ipod called Meet Me.. Yes its a dating app and yes its not the best way to meet people when you are lonely you get desprate.. Well I met a guy one day who actually didnt asked for pictures and such and just wanted to talk and get to know.. We talked for like four days and i felt like we had a connection somehow.. i dont know the first thing about guys or how to act towards a guy.. i was scared out of my wits.. We exchanged phone numbers and began to text.. we exchanged Face pictures and he would always call me beautiful and would say he wish I truly would understand how amazing I was.. Other guys online usually called me pretty or good looking but most were just looking to score or something.. For the first time in my life I actually felt like a guy really like me for me.. He would text me everyday and just ask me how i was and everything.. We talked about my SB and such and he said no matter what I looked... it was want was on the inside that matter most.. for a week we just talked and then he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.. He asked he could call me his.. He said from the first time we chatted he knew i was special.. Well so I went on a leap of faith and said yes.. We started calling each other then next day and for the next week he would call me each day to talk.. we didnt usually talk alot but just having him there was something I really liked.. he could make me smile with one joke or by saying something sweet...

Well with all great things I usually mess them up and oh I mess this up nicely it seems.. He and I planned to meet in June.. We talked about what he would do when he came to see me and such and in all honesty I was so wrapped up in love I couldnt think straight and agree to things I shouldnt have and I should have talk to him directly about them but instead I intrusted on a few friends and i love them dearly and treasure there advice.. On thursday I believe I sent him a letter calling it my truth letter and it had things from the whole I think the meeting idea wasnt going to work to Im embrassed of my bathroom situation.. sending it didnt go as planned i sent it kinda on a wim but I had agrued with a friend I have had since grade school and I was afraid of losing that friendship.. Let just say I had fifteen voices in my head and I just wanted them to stop but instead I added his words to my mess of a head.. He told me he felt hurt and that he felt played.. he felt i wasnt being honest with him.. for the first time he hung up the phone without saying I love you or anything he just hung up.. I felt beyond alone broken.. I had no one to turn to.. I felt I had just lost the best thing that had ever happen to me.. that night I tried to end it all for the first time in years... I was closer than i had been ever.. but Ill be came on and so I just cried the rest of the night and fought on for life..  He didnt speak to me for three whole days.. I continued to seek out advice from others and finally i broke.. I sent him the most hardest text I had ever written because I believed he was so much better off with out me.. i didnt think i deserved his love or his kindness.. all in all dealing with the first of my broken hearts (boywise) isnt fun... i pushed him away like i push everyone I care about away.. 


willl i ever be able to not be scared to let someone in? will i be able to not push people away? will i ever feel more than a failure or second rate? will i ever feel ok again? so many questions run thru my head each day and i honestly struggle each day with will i ever be good enough? 

 sorry for this being kinda of a mess up post but im so confused on life right now im just trying make sense of it all.. 

ttfn, dreamgirl

ps. sometimes the people who lift others up just dont want others to feel as worthless as they do.. 




Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Truth

Hi everyone,
There are so many reasons I haven't wrote a blog in a while but the truth is I didn't want to hurt anymore and I didn't want to hurt anyone else.. But the God honest truth I'm hurting and it's hurting my relationship with life.. So here I am going to explain to anyone who cares to read this.. This may not make a lot of sense but I have to aleast try to get some of it out..  I don't want pity.. I just want people to understand how I'm not ok and why I do the things I do.. I'm trying to reach out like I needed to when I was ten years old and my world was crashing down.. But I want to have people realize I truly am trying.. 

For most of my life I have hid away.. Hiding in the shadows of everything I can find.. Hiding everything about my spina bifida because I was and still to this day ashamed of it.. Since I was little I have locked up my emotions because I believe everything is my fault.. I honestly believe God was/is punishing me for not being perfect.. Every time something happens or happen in my life my head says to my heart it was/is my fault.. Every fight I have had with my parents, every mistake I've made,  everything.. I would punish myself for everything not right..  I sank lower and lower till it became my life.. I have went on like nothing has bothered me at all.. All my life I have just wanted to be accepted and love and in all honesty I pushed away everyone who tried to unlock the lock on my heart.. I want to make a difference in this world just like anyone but I buried that key so down and I vowed 14 years ago I was not gonna let anyone see the struggling girl who's heart was shattered in a million pieces and felt and feels abandoned and alone.. I bottled up all the anger, frustration, sadness, and such.. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with but all I want is to belong to feel I'm worth something.. I'm so tired of being scared of everything especially happiness.. 

I have never felt ok with anything about me.. I guess i looked at the way my parents looked at my brothers and the way my dad would be so proud of them.. I felt/feel like the daughter they never wanted.. It's just the way I learned to grow up.. I wanted to be normal so much and I was gonna get it some way or another.. I guess it's why I try so hard to push myself... I even began to neglect a lot of my health things.. I let myself believe if I didn't do them they would correct themselves which brought more tense between people and myself.. 

One of the only people who could see the hurting I felt was a woman who I don't know how to live without.. She knew the lies behind the smiles.. She gave me the courage to fight and when she died.. I lost it all.. I felt and feel abandon by life and scared to carry on because I didn't want to forget her..  I was anger with God for taking the one person who understood me.. I hold so much regret because I never got to tell her I love her and I was sorry for not seeing her that time she needed me.. I sat in the car and cried.. The day of her funeral haunts me every single day.. I pushed every good memory away and forgot them.. 

From that day on I have punished myself for not reaching out to the one person who needed me the most and I needed her.. Since I was ten years old I've tired so hard to reach out and tell people I was not ok.. My parents never saw it and I guess turned a blind eye to it.. They didn't see a lot of things.. They assumed it was my stubbornness and I let them believe it and everyone else to believe it.. But I do know when ur little and ur parents say a few times they give up on you, a child starts to believe it's true.. I went on believing I was all alone and no one would ever want to love a screw up like me.. I went on pushing myself to be the normal daughter and person everyone seemed to want. it was my hope one day I'd be ok again and not hurt anymore but I never have believe it because I never knew how to be ok..  I would push myself to tears but I would never cry in front of anyone.. I kept quiet on my feelings on everything.. I let things eat away at me so much I began to believe there was no hope in the world for me.. 

I prayed every night for God to just take the hurt away.. I prayed everyday the one question that haunts my every move in life... WHY? I know only he knows why he does the things he does but when u start asking why it consumes u so much.. I'd ask why did she have died? Why did any of the, have to died? Why did u make the world? Why do we all let bad things happening? 

When I reached out the first time I believed I could finally be free but I found it not so easy to actually tell the truth.. How do u tell someone u rather not live at all then live a life full of shame, guilt, and fear? How do u tell someone u feel abandoned and not wanted? So I tried my hardest to write it down.. I started this blog thinking it would free me.. That I would feel ok.. Well I began to read things and learned that it was hurting people so I stopped.. I became ashamed of my feelings and believed I should have just kept quiet.. I went back into my shadows and went on just following the flow of things.. I just want and wanted to be wanted by someone.. 

Years went by and I began to try new things but I knew nothing stayed the same.. So I never got my hopes up on anything.. This past year I took a leap of faith and went out west to my brothers house.. I was suppose to stay out there till news years.. My mom showed up and I convinced myself I needed to come home because I was needed here .. I came home to a mess.. And realized I left because I was actually living out there and being myself so I did was I seem to do best and ran away.. So I'm back here trying to keep my faith and trying to reach out to the light.. 

I do know God loves me and I have a long road ahead of me.. I thank him everyday for another day and for the gifts of hope he has given me.. I know Reba and country music was put in my life for days and nights I think I can't go on.. It keeps the light at the end of the tunnel that I used to ignore for a lot of years.. 

I just want to be ok again.. I want to be able to look in the mirror and love the person inside it.. I want to nothurt so much! None of this probably makes sense but it's the truth.. The truth of a heart trying to heal but doesn't know how to.. A heart that wants to feel important and matter.. 

Thanks for being part of my life!! Please know I can't do anything with all of you!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Fear is a prison from which I haven't found the key to unlock from it yet


Hi everyone,
I know I have been MIA For a while but there is a good reason for it.. I've started this blog about twenty times and each time I wasn't sure if it was right so I deleted it. This last few weeks have tested my will in ways I thought I couldnt handle.. I learned I have a long way to go. My house has once again tested my will. People have tested my trust and just life has tested me. I wasn't even sure I was going to continue this blog due to a thing happening this week but I decided I started this I need to keep my promise of keep writing. If this blog seems confusing I'm sorry but in honesty I'm confused as hell but I'm hoping it all makes a little sense.. I hope this helps those who I have kinda confused on these topics.. 

In this blog I want to talk about FEAR....Sure we all have fears. Some are like afraid of heights or spiders or snakes. But I'm not talking about those fears I'm talking about stop in ur tracks afraid of life fear. 

So let's start at the beginning.What is fear? Fear is defined as "an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." Fear is completely natural and helps people to recognize and respond to dangerous situations and threats. However, healthy fear -- or fear which has a protective function -- can evolve into unhealthy or pathological fear, which can lead to exaggerated and violent behavior.

I know what you're thinking EVERYONE has FEAR and I need to get over my fears and learn to deal with things.. A lot of people would think I'm strong enough to do this. I am a girl that runs from fear. Always have for a long as I remember. I always take the easy path.. For years I would push my fears aside and choose the other way.. I was scared to go out in public because of the way I walked or the fear of having a bathroom accident or just felt like I didn't belong.. It was the way I felt with having a disabilty. I was ashamed of being different. I felt like a freak of nature. I hated being fat and I hated I wore glasses. Everything right down to my shoes. I'm getting better at learning to accept who I am but fear is always here. The fear of not being enough. The fear of letting people down. The fear of the unknown.. 

I am a girl with lots of dreams but fear has stood in the way them. I always loved music and I used to have this dream of being a country singer but standing in front of people has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember and the fear of not being good enough. A lot has to do with nerves and such but I mean even in high school I would throw up before speech class. I love to inspire people but it's hard for me to talk my feelings out so I write them but I'm always afraid of what people think of all of it. I am afraid of hurting people with what I write. I try my best not to but it's my feelings. It is why I let things bury inside my heart because I didn't want any one to be ashamed of me.  To be ashamed of what I had done. Fear held me back from doing a lot of things as a kid because I was shamed of me.  


I would love to get into school again but I am afraid of not being able to complete things and not be good enough for school. I'm not book smart by any means and it scares me as I tried college once and now I am paying student loans on loans I took out for failed classes. It scares to to waste money. My mind is boggled on what I want to be. I've always wanted to go into the country music field and become some kind of star. I also had this dream of working with my favorite animals, dolphins.. But recently I have discovered I still want that but I also want to help kids. I want to make kids smile. So many kids go thru things no kid should go thur but it happens and I want to be able to ease the pain for some. The problem is I'm unsure of that first step or be able to help.


Recently there has been talk about a chance for me to go live in South Carolina. Ok ALOT of talk. Well let's say this idea I love in a sense but in the other sense I'm freaked totally and completely "I can't sleep" out about. I would love to be south where winters are rare and sun is a lot out. I'd be able to get out more during those months. I would be going with a friend who is currently trying to sell her house up here to move down there. She opened this idea when my house began having issues. She has this whole plan for the both of us and I love most of it BUT there are some huge issues that have fears with currently have me pulling back from this completely and staying where I at. Yes there is always being the fear of being alone and such down there and the fear of not fitting in down there either but this is much more than that.. The whole idea has me pulled in so many directions I'm not sure how to go about choosing what path I so do.. There is fear on both sides of this..

Some of my fears of going: 

1. Medical(the big one)- I have never actually been my parents best kid but when it has come to my medical stuff my mom is mostly always there. I have the what if my shunt quits or I have some medical problem I don't know how to handle. The hospital I have dealt with all my life and has doctors that know my case from top to bottom would be thousand miles away.. It's not like I can call my doctor friend who has helped me since I was little and have her tell me yes u need to come right away and drive from SC to Detroit. I have talked with a few friends and they to are afraid to move away due to health issues. I have one who has more health issues because she moved and her record never made it and they screw up. She almost died. Yes I do understand my mom isn't going to be there my whole life but I don't believe I have a handle on my health issues enough to do it on my own. To be honesty it hasn't been since the past few months that I have actually dealt with a few things on my own. So this is my main reason I'm scared basically to death of moving away from this crazy little town I called home. Living with SB is becoming one of hardest lesson I'm learning as recently I have learned walking is becoming so hard as in I'm in tears most days because of pain. In all honesty I don't have a handle on my medical stuff at all yet.. 

2. Trust- I trust my friend a lot more than most but I have never been one to put all my trust in another person.. I would be uprooting everything I have ever known. For one reason I've never been to South Carolina. I haven't a clue on anything down there.. I love this friend with my whole heart and would do anything for her but there is just fear of not knowing.. Not knowing anything but what she tells me.. 

3. Driving- for years I had pushed driving aside.. I always told myself in high school I didn't go anywhere why do I need a license yet.. It wasnt till I was in my first apartment that I got the thought of driving.. Getting comfortable with driving is a hard thing as my fears with it is.. I can't bend my foot like a normal person so I kinda use my whole leg.. Now with my knee problems I am cautious as to where I drive.. And I'm not one to like driving with a lot of cars around.. I'd pick a country back road over a expressway every day.. I know I would probably get used to driving there but it's a really long way..  

4. My house- this house has tested my patience this winter for sure but there is a lot of ways I love it.. It's small.. There isn't a lot of people around.. Not a lot of traffic.. It decorated almost to what represents me.. There's a garage..  I just got internet hooked up and its affordable.. There a lot I could do with this house.. And my girls love it

5. People- I know I try to avoid people but in all honesty I like how I know a lot  people around here and   If I ever had a problem there would be someone here. Down there I have one person and my girls.. 

There is a few more but I think u get the point.. So let's talk about my fears if I don't go.. 

1. Missing out- i would miss out an oppuniuty of leaving this town full of gossip, drama and feeling out of place.. I would miss out being closer to the ocean.. I would miss out on getting this oppuniuty again mostly likely.. 

2. This house- I know it's a fear of leaving too but it fits both sides..  I don't want to be stuck here forever.. I want to someday live on the ocean.. To be able to be where my dreams lay.. I know this town isn't where my dreams are.. 

3. Disappointing people- I hate this fear the most.. This actually could go on both sides.. I love a lot of people and I don't want to let them down.. I know they say they will always love and support me but there is the fear of it I don't go will they stop helping me because I'm totally lost at this living thing.. 

This whole situation has me tangled there is so much fear behind it all and I'm not sure what to do.  I feel like this person pulled in so many directions I'm about to break. I don't know what my heart is telling me as part of my heart is scattered all over this town but it also is in my dreams.. 


Most people I have discuss this with has told me to talk to the one person I valid her opinion.. Here's my answer to that she is currently super busy and I respect her way too much to bug her with my pityness but someday I hope to ask her opinion on it all.. Not to mention a few of her magic hugs are needed but I'm hanging in there. Lol :) I love you if ur reading this HHC!! 

So that is that.. I'm a complete total mess with life.. I'm running in circles.. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and freaking on that.. It could go anyway.. But for now I am living for today.. I'm going to figure this all out someday but for now I have to focus what's in front of me.. Thank u for reading and I want you all to know I love you with my heart!! 


TTFN, DREAM GIRL 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I have to let my light shine

Tonight I need to talk about something I have been keeping so far down deep it is slowly ripping away at me. Piece by piece.. I have to get this out and im gonna try and do it to my best of my ability.

Someone asked me what got me through my darkest nights.. I brushed it off and said Reba did and yes she did most of the time but it was her music and help that would remind me to see the light.. Light? You might asked what do you mean by light? Well, when I would want to end it all and sit in the bathroom with those pills in my hand telling myself I wasn't worth life anymore.. Telling myself no one ever cared about me. Letting what I call my demons slowly take over.. Something would stop me and make me see light in all the darkness.. 

 For many years I never understood how to describe it but I'm slowly understanding what the light is. My light is my memories. The happy memories of my life. Most of my happy memories are from attending Rose City Middle School. I have been talking with a friend of mine and she made it more clear of why those memories are "my light" and said the teachers at RCMS saw me for me and not as a disability or they never tried to make me like my brothers. My home life has been a complicated one for surenbut that's another story..  Those teachers, para pros, a liaison officer, And others at RCMS saw the Jen I had hide for so many years because I didn't know her. They helped me laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. Yes there were times I was in dark in middle school but one happy memory helped me thru it just like that. When I had or have rough night I would play my 8th grade video and those memories came back and it helped me hang on to life!

In the last couple of years, there has been an event that has taken place that shook this town I call home. An event no one saw coming. A teacher I had in middle school was convicted of having relationship with a minor. I'm not going into details as I don't know many (I choose not to) but that it not the importantance of this part of all of this. When I learned of this news I was in denial and there is a good reason why. This teacher had helped me in so many ways and was part of my light. The light that was keeping me alive. The light that was keeping my demons at bay. The memories that I had relied on for so many years were slowly getting ripped apart. The night after I learned of this, I cried most of the night! I watched as it flashed on the news all over. I let it all in. I let everyone tell me what they heard and it literally was pulling me down.. Was I suppose to forget those times in science class, the 8th grade video, and so on.. That night I wasn't sure where to go or who to talk to. 

If I didn't think things could get worse they did.. The whole thing skyrocketed when documents were released to the media that in my opinion shouldn't have been but anyhow they did.. These letters began an attack on certain teachers and most of them from RCMS.. Again I wanted to ignore it all to the best I could because I knew I had to keep what I had left of my "light" shinning or I was going to sink.. In my heart I knew they did what they thought was right (it all honesty I can't say I wouldn't do that same thing if it was my friend) but people were saying a million things around town and online.. Calling the school corrupt.. Many former students were saying how they never learned anything there anyhow.. It got bad. So bad I didnt understand a lot of it.. Parents pulling their kids.. Kids frighten of teachers.. My light began to ficker as the days went on..When my mom was discussing something with someone about it all when it first came about she said something about she might have pulled us from the teachers classes if it had all happened when we were in school.. Well I flustered and I kinda blurted out "I wouldn't be here then"! The person she was talking to looked at me in shocked and said "what u mean". Well my parents are hard to talk to about serious stuff so they don't know much but I blurted out "she saved my life!" And walked out. I was scared and didn't know what way to go. I went home and for the first time in years I thought of ending it all.. I wanted all the crap to stop! I wanted it all to disappear. I didn't know what to believe or who to trust! I reached out to a friend from a different state. I told her some of what I was going thru and she said "Jen, who do want to talk to the most? d and she will help u!" My friend knew of a certain teacher I was really close too. I knew the answer but I wasn't sure how to do that.. I was so comfused..

I was saddened by the way the town I loved turn on people for written letters and who had done a lot for not only me but the whole town. I understand it is a major issue when something like that happens and that I don't think what he did was right under any curcumtances but I couldnt let it all dim my light, could I? 

I began to worry about the teachers I knew I had to make sure they knew I loved them. The nasty posts on FB were the worst and I knew I shouldn't have read them but everyone gets curious.. I knew in my heart there was no way in hell i was turning my back on these teachers. 

 I went to see one of the teachers (the one who my friend suggested I go see) who in all honesty I would do anything for. She is more family than my real family. This teacher is my hero in my ways and I would lay my life down for her.. When I went to her house i could see in her that it made her sad and that broke my heart. We talked for a while about things. I wanted to tell her my feelings about the whole mess but I kept them in because I knew she needed my support and love not my mess of feelings. This woman I credit with saving my life more times than I can count needed a friend there for her and so I kept my feelings inside that day. I promised her and a few others of the teachers I wouldn't write anything on FB about my opinions and this whole thing because they didn't want to see me get hurt! So I did want I do best and buried it. I buried it so deep it began to kill me each day because I began to let it rip those memories in two. 

Months have went by from all of this but it still lingers in town so when I moved into my house I convinced myself I had to stop going into town. I stop talking to a lot of people because they always brought something up again about it all and I need to keep my light burning. I will never look at the teacher I had as a monster because I just can't. I began to realize I was shutting down again slowly.. My demons were sneaking up but in a different way, I knew I had to act fast!! 

So I began to talk about my memories of school and began to talk about things.  I show my love for teachers because I believe that no one should be punished for one thing in their lives when they honesty have saved my everyday!! I know i will make it thru the darkest of nights when I have my lights!! 

Thank u for listening to me ramble tonight! I'm sorry for digging this up for some of you but writing it out makes me learn to live with things! To each teacher who reads this THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE!! 

Friday, February 21, 2014

365 days of pictures: never give up hope!!

Hi everyone, 

I hope you all are still here reading along to my 365 days of pictures blog. I have decided instead of doing a blog each day I would do one each week with a weeks worth of pictures.. Some times they will all connect and sometimes they will all be separate!!  I keep getting behind because I can't come up with writings with my pictures so I put it off. 
This is a picture of the give that Officer KC gave us for our 8th grade graduation! I would always look for HOPE! 

So this week of pictures are a bunch from honestly a time I could actually see some light at the end of the tunnel. There are actually memories from that time in my life and they are bits and pieces but they are there..  Yes I have written about my time at RCMS a lot but in all honesty it's was a place I love and still love! Last night tho I found a certain hero on Facebook I thought I would have never get the chance to thank her for all she did for me.. I believe it's another sign to keep me climbing!! It sure made my week!!! 

                              
                                  Officer KC and I at my 8th grade dance! 

K.C. Known as Officer K.C. when I attended RCMS was the liaison officer back when the school was smart. I'm not saying it's not smart now but with her there the school had some piece of mind!  She was tough but she also was the kindest person you'd ever meet and had a heart of gold. She always had a smile on her face who you needed one. For me, Officer K.C. gave me comfort in knowing I was safe. I knew if I was ever bullied or anything I had the option to let her know.. I was able to see light thru all my sadness and grief thru middle school which helped more than I realized at the time.. 


I have talked about her to a few friends and they always asked me, "Jen, I don't understand this... Why didn't you just tell her about ur feelings? Why didn't u tell her u wanted to end it all at the time?".. My answer is I really didn't know how to reach out to anyone.. Many times I wanted to tell KC or Ms Coe but I was scared to. I had convice myself I was a jinx and if I told them they would died or go away too! I also was unsure of myself and I wasn't sure they would understand. I convinced myself that I was fine.. So I would put my mask on and pretend I was ok.. I buried my feelings so tight no one knew or would ever suspect anything! 

As I sit here writing this I can remember one time I didn't want to go to school due to just i was done I hated being different and I was done. My mom came in my room and, "do I need to call officer KC? She will come get you!" I remember getting dressed like lightening. I guess you could say Officer KC was another one I couldn't disappoint so I went to school..
                             
I can remember the last time I saw KC was in  Fernelius car dealership in RC. She was working there I think. I went in with a friend I believe.. She greeted us with a smile and my friend had to talk to someone so she walked away for a moment.. KC gave me a hug and then looked at me and asked if I was ok. I lied and said fine.. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't figure out how as the exactly the night before had been the one of times I hit pure rock bottom and I wanted to end it all.. But I did like I always did and buried it.. We left and I never saw her again.. That night I went home and wrote down everything! I had conviced myself I needed to tell someone. I couldn't keep it inside anymore!! I never mail it and then she moved away! Then it got lost somewhere! I've never forgetton how she helped me hang on to life tho in and out of school!! She will always be a hero and I'm beyond blessed to have reconnected recently!!

I thank God everyday how placed and continues to place people lik Officer KC, Ms. Coe, Jamie, Miss Vigus, Mrs.Green and many of my angels in my life to help me realize that there is light in life if I just look for it!! 

Thanks for reading!! Please comment if u wish and please continue to join me in my quest to find 365 pictures!! 

TTFN, DREAMGIRL 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

365 days of pictures: the story of a princess and her sister!





This is my other best friend in the whole world.. Her name is Princess. She is 2.5 years old and appx 2.6 lbs. yes that is small for a dog but she is as healthy as can be :) but the way I ended up with princess is quite a funny but strange story.. 

Almost about three years ago I was looking for a small dog as I had gotten rid of George my cat and I don't like a lonely house so I began looking into getting a small dog as my dad at the time was my landlord. I looked online at so many different dogs. I had found a little female chihuahua in Jackson but she would have costed me gas money plus 100.. I had almost had given up hope when a friend I worked with said to me one night "my neighbor has a chihuahua that he needs a home for"..my friend told me I can bring her to you. She brought me the puppy and I loved her at first sight. I named her Tinkerbelle. 
                                  
                                             This is Lucy just a few weeks old 

After able three months after having "belle", my parents and I noticed belle put on some weight. It we brushed it off as maybe she was getting over fed.. Well weeks went by and we knew something was up.. My mom joked, "she looks pregnant"! I said no way! Impossible! Well not so impossible! On June 30,2011, princess and Lucy were born in the middle of the night.. Yes I panicked the whole time.. As they were the tiniest things. 
                                         Princess a few weeks old.. 


When the babies were old enough my mom and I discuss the option of me getting a rid of them. Well I have one of those hearts that hates to give up things. So my mom decided to take the bigger puppy to  my parents house till they could find a home for Lucy... Let's just say they fell in love and Lucy remains at their house which is nice so I get to see her! On the other hand I got to keep the tiniest one princess!  She is just like one of my babies! She has given a few scares but has pulled thru. 

This picture shows the size difference of Lucy (far right) and Pricess (front left) also picture is their mom belle! 


I love my girls with all my heart! They are their when I need someone to cry with and they are there when I need someone! 


I hope you all have a great night!!! Xoxo, DREAMGIRL 

Saturday, February 15, 2014

365 days of pictures: scars tell a story


They say a scar tells a story and I believe this.. For instance this scar is a really weird story.. This is a picture if my left foot.. How I got this weird pattern scar is: 

I was standing in the kitchen of my parents house and was leaning againist a stood by the stove as my mom and I and a friend of mine was baking stuff.. Well we talked and continued to bake and I moved the stool and went and sat behind the counter so my mom could get the stuff out of the oven.. 

Around I'd say about 20 mins I looked down at my foot and it looked funny. I asked mom and she grab ice and stuff.. With my Spina bifida I have no feeling in my feet.. Well my foot began to blister.. Mom looked at me and said how did u burn ur foot.. I hadn't a clue.. So we wrapped it up and back tracked my steps.. 

Come to find out I had somehow gotten my foot too close to the hot tong things under the oven! Lesson learned there! 

Have a beautiful day people!! Thanks for reading!! 

Ttfn, DREAMGIRL 

365 days of pictures: never forget your friends

                                      
This card I received in the mail a few months back and it carries a special place in my heart! It is from a very dear friend/teacher. She has never gave up on me even when I was a true witch to her. She helped me in so many ways I can't even begin to describe how Sandi Lee has helped me. She was the first P.E. to make me participate it every. She was tough.. But I look back on those days and I thank God each day Ms.Lee never gave up on me at all. She is a true hero and I'm blessed to have her in my life!! 


So many teachers don't realize the real impact they have on kids unless the kids speak up and for me I believe teachers are the world. I am blessed to be surrounded by many teachers that I called my friends/family and I love them with all my heart!! I thank each of you for never giving up on me!! 

So THANK A TEACHER TODAY!! Ttfn, DREAMGIRL 

365 of pictures: the heart of the matter..

              

The above picture is the only card I can find that my grandma Rita sent me. She was really good at sending a card every holiday we didn't get to see her on. The reason I choose this picture is not only was it valentines day yesterday but I was having a rough day and finding this when going thru things made me remember she is always with me somehow. It's gonna take a bit to let go of my past but I'm never giving up!! 

Happy belated valentines day everyone!! I love you all!! 


Thursday, February 13, 2014

365 of pictures: one of my best friends!



                These are the first pictures I have of my best friend Tinkerbelle (belle). She is a chihuahua mixed with something. My friend Kim gave her to me and she was the scared little thing I had ever seen. But once I saw her I knew she was the best friend I needed. I've had her for almost 3.5 years and they have been some of the best with her by my side :) she is the sweetest thing.

I hate the strerotype on chihuahuas being a nippy barking little dog. Well I can say this belle doesn't bit. She does take getting use to. Just like any dog you have to give her space. I've had her around kids and such. For the most part she ignores them. She is a working progress just like me but when I got her I'd never be able to take her places as she was timid but she is getting better. :) 

I love you Tinkerbelle with all my heart!! 
In my opinion animals are just like humans they have feelings and such!! They shouldn't be mistreated or abandoned! 

Ttfn, dream girl 


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

365 days of picture: saying goodbye to a girl/woman who saved me thru rough patches



I wake up today and find out that another one of my heroes had died. Shirley Temple was an amazing actress and person! She helped me thru a lot growing up. She was my go to gal when I needed a smile. From her catch phases like " O MY WORD" or her many songs she sang I admire her and wanted to be just like her. Her movies became my light in my childhood. She was there when I was sad and needed some hope! I continue to watch her movies as they are part if who I am! 

I always loved in a lot of her movies the daddy/daughter bond that is shown in them.. In one her dad goes to serve in the war and her mom dies and her dad goes behind enemies lines to take her to an aunt but gets caught and goes to jail. Shirley temple goes to the White House to talk to Abe Lincoln. In other one her dad goes to war and she gets shipped to a all girls school. They get word that her dad is considered dead but she is determined to find him. In the end they both work out find but it was the bond between them that i always admire about her movies. 

It's always sad when someone you admire dies but it hard to know you will never get a chance to tell them how they impacted your life! So if you get the chance to tell anyone famous or not how you feel take that oppuniuty and don't let it slip by because you never know when they will slip Away!! 

I love you Shirley Temple and you will be forever in my heart!! Xoxo

Ttfn, dream girl 

Monday, February 10, 2014

365 days of pictures: trying to heal a shattered heart



Cancer.. Small little world but a word that took the one person who I thought believed in me.. The one person who I could call crying on the phone because someone was mean at school or got in a fight with mom.. Cancer is a cruel word.. It kills a person every 4 mins.. Cancer took my childhood and ripped it in two.. 

For years I wanted to talk about my grandma or hear stories of her as I was only 10 when she died but no one talks about her any more. It's like she was there but not there..  I know most don't want to feel the hurt about losing her and for many years I buried it so deep no one would have known.. I became numb and I guess it's what everyone calls depression. I was put on pills to control my emotions because my parents thought it was best. Well I began to hate my parents more and quit taking them as I believe they didn't help.. I didn't want help, all I wanted was the people who left me back! 

For me she was there everytime we had to go to Detroit. We would go down and stay at her house the night before so we didn't have that far to drive.. She would come up for VIP day for my school and every Christmas concert we had.. We would get together at Christmas time at her house or I remember something at my Aunt Kathy's house. 

Yes most of you think why didn't my parents see me fall or even continue to see me struggle.. Well it's hard for anyone to watch someone fall in a hole. When I was a teen we all went to family therapy once.. I acted up and we left. I couldn't  just talk to someone about my feelings in person. But it seem like when my grandma died the bond between my family and I was torn in two some more..

It's taken me years to take about my darkest of all days and the struggle each day it is to get the hell out of bed to face the world as when you live thru depression your world stops. You quit living. All you want is to have that moment back! I will never quit fighting ever!! I will learn to live my life the way I am suppose to and when it's all over my friends and family that have died will be there waiting for me:) 
Sorry if this repeats anything I've written in the past but it's what's on my mind today! Xoxo
Ttfn, dream girl 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

365 days: puzzles



               


This above picture is of one of the three puzzles I have done in the past two weeks.. With the weather has been yucky I don't go many places so this keeps me busy.. I love the challenge of a puzzle. I usually do 750 pieces or 1000 pieces. This one happens to just be a 200 piece one my mom found. It will fit perfectly in my bedroom :) If you ever came into my house you would see I have tons of puzzles glued and hung up. I love how well they make great wall pictures.. 

So if you need a challenge pick up a puzzle and challenge you brain :) sorry for being short but catching up :) thanks for reading!! Love you all!! Comment if you wish I love feed back!! 

Ttfn, dream girl :) 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

365 of pictures: under the bed isn't just for monsters

                

I don't own this picture but i believe it goes with my post.. Theres are a lot from my childhood I would love to forget from the fights with my parents and myself about living with a disability to losing people I love.. 

The view like in this picture was a occurance when I was little.. I would hid under my bed so I wouldn't have to go to school or when I was in trouble. I would just hide under here and cry. NO my parents did not abuse me. Yes I grew up where you got ur mouth slapped for back talking and butt paddled for doing something wrong. But I can't hide that my parents and I did get into fights.. Many of them did get rough but I wasn't the easiest kid to raise.. But there are so many things I wish I had done differently or my parents had done.. Maybe I wouldn't be the way I am today.. 

I don't remember how old I was but my parents and brothers were away on a sports trip and I had convince them to let me stay home.. They left and i spent while watching tv and did things I had done when they left.. On this particular night it wasn't anything bad.. But I can remember I was sitting on the couch and the telephone rang and it was my brother I believe or it might have been my dad.. I can't quite remember but all they said was I needed to lock all the doors and turn all the lights off.. So keying bad had happen to the family that lived down the road who I was friends with the daughter.. It was a family who was very down on their luck.. The dad was in jail and it was a mom and her new boyfriend and kids.. They basically lived in a shack but anyhow back to the story.. They called and told me I needed to lock all the doors and don't not answer the door for anyone.. The told me there was a man who had just killed his girlfriend (the kids mom) and they didn't know where he was headed but he might have gone in the woods.. Well I can remember be freaked completely out.. I locked all the doors and hid under my brothers jesse's bed and cried.. I just remember being scared out of my wits and no one was there to comfort me.. 

My parents and brothers came home in the morning and I kept all my feelings inside about it all because I believe it wasn't important and I shrugged it all off but I believe it was the start of my realizing fear was real.. Come to find out the guy killed himself.. 

So my advice is if something bad happens talk to your kids and make sure they are ok! It maybe a bigger thing than u realize!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

365 days of pictures: 1st male to steal my heart

                  


This is George. He was my best friend. Yes I am a cat person.. I guess I grew up for a love of all animals and thur out my childhood I had a lot of cats and kittens but George will always be one that I will treasure forever. He was there for my first move into my first apartment.. He was there when I needed someone to cry with.. I was very sad I had to get a rid of George but due to a few things I had to get a rid of him.. It broke my heart but he will always be in my heart!!   



Ttfn, dream girl 

365 of pictures: the light at the end of the tunnel

Hi everyone, 

I hope you all are well and keeping warm!! This past week has been on of my hardest I have had in a while. I know it's not healthy to fall into old ways and I'm trying to beat them.. 




I choose this picture because it is what I hang on to each day because it gives me hope knowing there is HOPE even in the darkness of places..

For many years I lived into a life that I thought was the best I deserved.. I would go places and hang with people I thought were best because I wanted to feel needed and loved.. Don't get me wrong I love my parents but it was like I was just there..  But as years when on and certain things happened in my life I wasn't sure how to deal with them so I would bottle them up and close them up tight.. I would slowly piece by piece break into as something else happened.. I was great at faking a smile or just say I was fine when actually inside I was slowly dieing.. 

 I learned this past week that I am a working progress but I am also human.. Yes feelings came back that I thought I had buried deep down inside but I'm learning I'm never alone in this fight.. Each person is placed in my life for a purpose and its up to me to figure out those purposes! 

So I say this tonight: if you are struggling, please keep fighting! Even in the darkest of tunnels there is a light at the end of it.. Mine happens to be a few friends, hope, my hero Reba, and my determination to never quit.. I can't promise I will never fall or crumble again but as I learned this past week I have people who do truly care!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

365 days of pictures day 3: winter blues



This is the view out my window a few days ago. For a girl that has lived in michigan her whole life you think she would be used to the snow. Well when I was a kid I like to go out and play in it with my brothers but as I have grown older I learned me and snow have become enemies. A lot has to do with I have no balance to begin with so it is not a good thing to get thru. It also causes problem in the winter boots apartment as finding boots that cover over leg braces is a pain. 

This winter has been especially hard because of owning a house and learning the ups and downs of that has been stressful. It's been a hard winter for sure.. I'm tired of being cooped up so much it's becoming hard to stay positive! 

So this girl is ready for spring to come anytime :) sorry for being so short but trying to catch up :) love y'all!! Please continue to read along! I appreciate you all so much! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Day 2 of 365 pictures of the year: a blessing and curse




These are diagrams of what Spina Bifida is and how it would look before surgery..  I know I have written about this so many times you probably get sick of hearing about it but living day to day with it is a struggle and it is my way of coping with it. To inform people of how it affects me and a little refresh of what it is.. So I couldn't do the 365 days pictures without speaking about it :) 


Spina bifida, the most common NTD, is one of the most devastating of all birth defects. It results from the failure of the spine to close properly during the first month of pregnancy. In severe cases, the spinal cord protrudes through the back and may be covered by skin or a thin membrane. Surgery to close a newborn's back is generally performed within 24 hours after birth to minimize the risk of infection and to preserve existing function in the spinal cord.

People with spina bifida need to learn mobility skills, and often with the use of crutches, braces, or wheelchairs can achieve more independence. Also, with new techniques they can become independent in managing their bowel and bladder problems. Physical disabilities like spina bifida can have profound effects on one's emotional and social development. It is important that health care professionals, teachers, and parents understand these physical capabilities and limitations. To promote personal growth, they should encourage children with spina bifida (within limits of safety and health) to be independent, to participate in activities with their non-disabled peers and to assume responsibility for their own care. 

Other facts about spina bifida are as follows: 
- the cause of SB is unknown 
-Spina bifida affect 1 in 1000 babies born each year.. 
- Each case of Spina Bifida is a unique as the individual. 
- there is no cure for Spina Bifida but there have been advancing on how to prevent it but no cure has been found yet.. 



Living with Spina Bifida is one of the hardest things in my whole life. I guess a lot has to do with growing up in a town where no one had it or had heard of it. Also growing up with two older althetic brothers was rough to as I was ashamed of my disability and still struggle to this day with why I have it. Spina bifida to me is a learning experience. It's a curse and a blessing all wrapped into one package. My certain case of Spina bifida comes with bathroom issues( I cath every three-four hours, I wear special underwear), hydrocephalus (means water on the brain), spotty feeling from the waist down. I have had many surgeries for my shunt, which is a tube like device in my body that drains fluid off my brain. With dealing with Spina bifida on a daily basis I had/have a lot of social problems. I went to normal school and with that came the looks the stares, the talks behind your back, and such. Well it cuts deep but I was taught never to let it show so I kept inside which lead to destruction of my confidence. 

Ok enough about my disability.. I won't bore u anymore! If you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to ask me. I used to not be able to answer many or was shy to talk about it but thru the years I have learn to share my experiences :) All in all all I want and what others like me what is acceptance. To be treated like a real person.. 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Monday, February 3, 2014

365 days : dreaming of gold

                   


The Olympics have just started and so it made me think back to when I first starting loving the people in the above college of pictures. I remember loving to watch the ice skAting event each time it was on. From the amazing outfits and the amazing technique.. It made me want to try it myself but I believe my disability never would allow me as it took away much of the balance I have.. 

Tara Lipinski is the first one I know that stuck out as someone I admire.. I can remember exactly how amazing I thought it was when she won gold at the Olympics. I feel in love with her drive and determination. I also loved Scott Hamilaton for his back flips and I was in awe of how graceful Michelle Kwan was.. 
 
I fell in love with ice skating everything from movies like Ice Pricess and Ice Castles. I included a Barbie doll I got when I was just a little girl about the time Tara won the gold and yes I named her Tara. I would close my eyes and pretend she was me :) 

Each of the figure skaters thru out the years have made some impact on my life but the thing I remember most is they all gave or give me hope in my dreams.. 
Never give up on your dreams even if they seem miles away! I wish every competitor at the Sochi games the best!! You are all heroes in my eyes!! Even tho I don't have tv Go TEAM USA! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

365 pictures of my life :) a simple dress

They say a picture says speaks 1000 words.. Well I have been seeing all over Facebook that people are doing 365 days of picture and I have decided to take that challenge so everyday I will make a blog about a certain picture or pictures.. There will be pictures I have taken, I am in or some of  my favorite things and people :)  Some will be longer than others but I hope you all will join me everyday and hopefully learn more about me! 

So I wanted to start with this certain picture because in all honesty this was one of my favorite nights! This picture was taken at my brother Jesse's wedding to his beautiful bride Mallissa on October 15, 2011.. It was nerve racking as I had never been in a wedding before and such but it was some of the most fun I had in a long time! I had a hate/love relationship with this dress.. It is the only dress I currently own :) 

I'm not one to like getting dressed up but I felt for the first time like a princess! I have always had self  confidence issues and it not just because I have a disability but growing up with two brothers I never had the urge to get all dressed up!  I'm still learning to love what I see in the mirror .. It's not the easy thing to do as for years I looked at myself as useless and ugly! This is why I tell every girl I know they are beautiful because I know what it is like to not feel good enough for anything! 

So to the person reading this even if you feel the worst and the ugliest that you are beautiful and have a purpose :) 

Thanks for reading! Please comment if u wish! I love feedback, it makes me know people actually want to read what I write! Please join me everyday for a new picture :) 

Ttfn, dream girl