Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Fear is a prison from which I haven't found the key to unlock from it yet


Hi everyone,
I know I have been MIA For a while but there is a good reason for it.. I've started this blog about twenty times and each time I wasn't sure if it was right so I deleted it. This last few weeks have tested my will in ways I thought I couldnt handle.. I learned I have a long way to go. My house has once again tested my will. People have tested my trust and just life has tested me. I wasn't even sure I was going to continue this blog due to a thing happening this week but I decided I started this I need to keep my promise of keep writing. If this blog seems confusing I'm sorry but in honesty I'm confused as hell but I'm hoping it all makes a little sense.. I hope this helps those who I have kinda confused on these topics.. 

In this blog I want to talk about FEAR....Sure we all have fears. Some are like afraid of heights or spiders or snakes. But I'm not talking about those fears I'm talking about stop in ur tracks afraid of life fear. 

So let's start at the beginning.What is fear? Fear is defined as "an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." Fear is completely natural and helps people to recognize and respond to dangerous situations and threats. However, healthy fear -- or fear which has a protective function -- can evolve into unhealthy or pathological fear, which can lead to exaggerated and violent behavior.

I know what you're thinking EVERYONE has FEAR and I need to get over my fears and learn to deal with things.. A lot of people would think I'm strong enough to do this. I am a girl that runs from fear. Always have for a long as I remember. I always take the easy path.. For years I would push my fears aside and choose the other way.. I was scared to go out in public because of the way I walked or the fear of having a bathroom accident or just felt like I didn't belong.. It was the way I felt with having a disabilty. I was ashamed of being different. I felt like a freak of nature. I hated being fat and I hated I wore glasses. Everything right down to my shoes. I'm getting better at learning to accept who I am but fear is always here. The fear of not being enough. The fear of letting people down. The fear of the unknown.. 

I am a girl with lots of dreams but fear has stood in the way them. I always loved music and I used to have this dream of being a country singer but standing in front of people has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember and the fear of not being good enough. A lot has to do with nerves and such but I mean even in high school I would throw up before speech class. I love to inspire people but it's hard for me to talk my feelings out so I write them but I'm always afraid of what people think of all of it. I am afraid of hurting people with what I write. I try my best not to but it's my feelings. It is why I let things bury inside my heart because I didn't want any one to be ashamed of me.  To be ashamed of what I had done. Fear held me back from doing a lot of things as a kid because I was shamed of me.  


I would love to get into school again but I am afraid of not being able to complete things and not be good enough for school. I'm not book smart by any means and it scares me as I tried college once and now I am paying student loans on loans I took out for failed classes. It scares to to waste money. My mind is boggled on what I want to be. I've always wanted to go into the country music field and become some kind of star. I also had this dream of working with my favorite animals, dolphins.. But recently I have discovered I still want that but I also want to help kids. I want to make kids smile. So many kids go thru things no kid should go thur but it happens and I want to be able to ease the pain for some. The problem is I'm unsure of that first step or be able to help.


Recently there has been talk about a chance for me to go live in South Carolina. Ok ALOT of talk. Well let's say this idea I love in a sense but in the other sense I'm freaked totally and completely "I can't sleep" out about. I would love to be south where winters are rare and sun is a lot out. I'd be able to get out more during those months. I would be going with a friend who is currently trying to sell her house up here to move down there. She opened this idea when my house began having issues. She has this whole plan for the both of us and I love most of it BUT there are some huge issues that have fears with currently have me pulling back from this completely and staying where I at. Yes there is always being the fear of being alone and such down there and the fear of not fitting in down there either but this is much more than that.. The whole idea has me pulled in so many directions I'm not sure how to go about choosing what path I so do.. There is fear on both sides of this..

Some of my fears of going: 

1. Medical(the big one)- I have never actually been my parents best kid but when it has come to my medical stuff my mom is mostly always there. I have the what if my shunt quits or I have some medical problem I don't know how to handle. The hospital I have dealt with all my life and has doctors that know my case from top to bottom would be thousand miles away.. It's not like I can call my doctor friend who has helped me since I was little and have her tell me yes u need to come right away and drive from SC to Detroit. I have talked with a few friends and they to are afraid to move away due to health issues. I have one who has more health issues because she moved and her record never made it and they screw up. She almost died. Yes I do understand my mom isn't going to be there my whole life but I don't believe I have a handle on my health issues enough to do it on my own. To be honesty it hasn't been since the past few months that I have actually dealt with a few things on my own. So this is my main reason I'm scared basically to death of moving away from this crazy little town I called home. Living with SB is becoming one of hardest lesson I'm learning as recently I have learned walking is becoming so hard as in I'm in tears most days because of pain. In all honesty I don't have a handle on my medical stuff at all yet.. 

2. Trust- I trust my friend a lot more than most but I have never been one to put all my trust in another person.. I would be uprooting everything I have ever known. For one reason I've never been to South Carolina. I haven't a clue on anything down there.. I love this friend with my whole heart and would do anything for her but there is just fear of not knowing.. Not knowing anything but what she tells me.. 

3. Driving- for years I had pushed driving aside.. I always told myself in high school I didn't go anywhere why do I need a license yet.. It wasnt till I was in my first apartment that I got the thought of driving.. Getting comfortable with driving is a hard thing as my fears with it is.. I can't bend my foot like a normal person so I kinda use my whole leg.. Now with my knee problems I am cautious as to where I drive.. And I'm not one to like driving with a lot of cars around.. I'd pick a country back road over a expressway every day.. I know I would probably get used to driving there but it's a really long way..  

4. My house- this house has tested my patience this winter for sure but there is a lot of ways I love it.. It's small.. There isn't a lot of people around.. Not a lot of traffic.. It decorated almost to what represents me.. There's a garage..  I just got internet hooked up and its affordable.. There a lot I could do with this house.. And my girls love it

5. People- I know I try to avoid people but in all honesty I like how I know a lot  people around here and   If I ever had a problem there would be someone here. Down there I have one person and my girls.. 

There is a few more but I think u get the point.. So let's talk about my fears if I don't go.. 

1. Missing out- i would miss out an oppuniuty of leaving this town full of gossip, drama and feeling out of place.. I would miss out being closer to the ocean.. I would miss out on getting this oppuniuty again mostly likely.. 

2. This house- I know it's a fear of leaving too but it fits both sides..  I don't want to be stuck here forever.. I want to someday live on the ocean.. To be able to be where my dreams lay.. I know this town isn't where my dreams are.. 

3. Disappointing people- I hate this fear the most.. This actually could go on both sides.. I love a lot of people and I don't want to let them down.. I know they say they will always love and support me but there is the fear of it I don't go will they stop helping me because I'm totally lost at this living thing.. 

This whole situation has me tangled there is so much fear behind it all and I'm not sure what to do.  I feel like this person pulled in so many directions I'm about to break. I don't know what my heart is telling me as part of my heart is scattered all over this town but it also is in my dreams.. 


Most people I have discuss this with has told me to talk to the one person I valid her opinion.. Here's my answer to that she is currently super busy and I respect her way too much to bug her with my pityness but someday I hope to ask her opinion on it all.. Not to mention a few of her magic hugs are needed but I'm hanging in there. Lol :) I love you if ur reading this HHC!! 

So that is that.. I'm a complete total mess with life.. I'm running in circles.. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and freaking on that.. It could go anyway.. But for now I am living for today.. I'm going to figure this all out someday but for now I have to focus what's in front of me.. Thank u for reading and I want you all to know I love you with my heart!! 


TTFN, DREAM GIRL 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I have to let my light shine

Tonight I need to talk about something I have been keeping so far down deep it is slowly ripping away at me. Piece by piece.. I have to get this out and im gonna try and do it to my best of my ability.

Someone asked me what got me through my darkest nights.. I brushed it off and said Reba did and yes she did most of the time but it was her music and help that would remind me to see the light.. Light? You might asked what do you mean by light? Well, when I would want to end it all and sit in the bathroom with those pills in my hand telling myself I wasn't worth life anymore.. Telling myself no one ever cared about me. Letting what I call my demons slowly take over.. Something would stop me and make me see light in all the darkness.. 

 For many years I never understood how to describe it but I'm slowly understanding what the light is. My light is my memories. The happy memories of my life. Most of my happy memories are from attending Rose City Middle School. I have been talking with a friend of mine and she made it more clear of why those memories are "my light" and said the teachers at RCMS saw me for me and not as a disability or they never tried to make me like my brothers. My home life has been a complicated one for surenbut that's another story..  Those teachers, para pros, a liaison officer, And others at RCMS saw the Jen I had hide for so many years because I didn't know her. They helped me laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. Yes there were times I was in dark in middle school but one happy memory helped me thru it just like that. When I had or have rough night I would play my 8th grade video and those memories came back and it helped me hang on to life!

In the last couple of years, there has been an event that has taken place that shook this town I call home. An event no one saw coming. A teacher I had in middle school was convicted of having relationship with a minor. I'm not going into details as I don't know many (I choose not to) but that it not the importantance of this part of all of this. When I learned of this news I was in denial and there is a good reason why. This teacher had helped me in so many ways and was part of my light. The light that was keeping me alive. The light that was keeping my demons at bay. The memories that I had relied on for so many years were slowly getting ripped apart. The night after I learned of this, I cried most of the night! I watched as it flashed on the news all over. I let it all in. I let everyone tell me what they heard and it literally was pulling me down.. Was I suppose to forget those times in science class, the 8th grade video, and so on.. That night I wasn't sure where to go or who to talk to. 

If I didn't think things could get worse they did.. The whole thing skyrocketed when documents were released to the media that in my opinion shouldn't have been but anyhow they did.. These letters began an attack on certain teachers and most of them from RCMS.. Again I wanted to ignore it all to the best I could because I knew I had to keep what I had left of my "light" shinning or I was going to sink.. In my heart I knew they did what they thought was right (it all honesty I can't say I wouldn't do that same thing if it was my friend) but people were saying a million things around town and online.. Calling the school corrupt.. Many former students were saying how they never learned anything there anyhow.. It got bad. So bad I didnt understand a lot of it.. Parents pulling their kids.. Kids frighten of teachers.. My light began to ficker as the days went on..When my mom was discussing something with someone about it all when it first came about she said something about she might have pulled us from the teachers classes if it had all happened when we were in school.. Well I flustered and I kinda blurted out "I wouldn't be here then"! The person she was talking to looked at me in shocked and said "what u mean". Well my parents are hard to talk to about serious stuff so they don't know much but I blurted out "she saved my life!" And walked out. I was scared and didn't know what way to go. I went home and for the first time in years I thought of ending it all.. I wanted all the crap to stop! I wanted it all to disappear. I didn't know what to believe or who to trust! I reached out to a friend from a different state. I told her some of what I was going thru and she said "Jen, who do want to talk to the most? d and she will help u!" My friend knew of a certain teacher I was really close too. I knew the answer but I wasn't sure how to do that.. I was so comfused..

I was saddened by the way the town I loved turn on people for written letters and who had done a lot for not only me but the whole town. I understand it is a major issue when something like that happens and that I don't think what he did was right under any curcumtances but I couldnt let it all dim my light, could I? 

I began to worry about the teachers I knew I had to make sure they knew I loved them. The nasty posts on FB were the worst and I knew I shouldn't have read them but everyone gets curious.. I knew in my heart there was no way in hell i was turning my back on these teachers. 

 I went to see one of the teachers (the one who my friend suggested I go see) who in all honesty I would do anything for. She is more family than my real family. This teacher is my hero in my ways and I would lay my life down for her.. When I went to her house i could see in her that it made her sad and that broke my heart. We talked for a while about things. I wanted to tell her my feelings about the whole mess but I kept them in because I knew she needed my support and love not my mess of feelings. This woman I credit with saving my life more times than I can count needed a friend there for her and so I kept my feelings inside that day. I promised her and a few others of the teachers I wouldn't write anything on FB about my opinions and this whole thing because they didn't want to see me get hurt! So I did want I do best and buried it. I buried it so deep it began to kill me each day because I began to let it rip those memories in two. 

Months have went by from all of this but it still lingers in town so when I moved into my house I convinced myself I had to stop going into town. I stop talking to a lot of people because they always brought something up again about it all and I need to keep my light burning. I will never look at the teacher I had as a monster because I just can't. I began to realize I was shutting down again slowly.. My demons were sneaking up but in a different way, I knew I had to act fast!! 

So I began to talk about my memories of school and began to talk about things.  I show my love for teachers because I believe that no one should be punished for one thing in their lives when they honesty have saved my everyday!! I know i will make it thru the darkest of nights when I have my lights!! 

Thank u for listening to me ramble tonight! I'm sorry for digging this up for some of you but writing it out makes me learn to live with things! To each teacher who reads this THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE!! 

Friday, February 21, 2014

365 days of pictures: never give up hope!!

Hi everyone, 

I hope you all are still here reading along to my 365 days of pictures blog. I have decided instead of doing a blog each day I would do one each week with a weeks worth of pictures.. Some times they will all connect and sometimes they will all be separate!!  I keep getting behind because I can't come up with writings with my pictures so I put it off. 
This is a picture of the give that Officer KC gave us for our 8th grade graduation! I would always look for HOPE! 

So this week of pictures are a bunch from honestly a time I could actually see some light at the end of the tunnel. There are actually memories from that time in my life and they are bits and pieces but they are there..  Yes I have written about my time at RCMS a lot but in all honesty it's was a place I love and still love! Last night tho I found a certain hero on Facebook I thought I would have never get the chance to thank her for all she did for me.. I believe it's another sign to keep me climbing!! It sure made my week!!! 

                              
                                  Officer KC and I at my 8th grade dance! 

K.C. Known as Officer K.C. when I attended RCMS was the liaison officer back when the school was smart. I'm not saying it's not smart now but with her there the school had some piece of mind!  She was tough but she also was the kindest person you'd ever meet and had a heart of gold. She always had a smile on her face who you needed one. For me, Officer K.C. gave me comfort in knowing I was safe. I knew if I was ever bullied or anything I had the option to let her know.. I was able to see light thru all my sadness and grief thru middle school which helped more than I realized at the time.. 


I have talked about her to a few friends and they always asked me, "Jen, I don't understand this... Why didn't you just tell her about ur feelings? Why didn't u tell her u wanted to end it all at the time?".. My answer is I really didn't know how to reach out to anyone.. Many times I wanted to tell KC or Ms Coe but I was scared to. I had convice myself I was a jinx and if I told them they would died or go away too! I also was unsure of myself and I wasn't sure they would understand. I convinced myself that I was fine.. So I would put my mask on and pretend I was ok.. I buried my feelings so tight no one knew or would ever suspect anything! 

As I sit here writing this I can remember one time I didn't want to go to school due to just i was done I hated being different and I was done. My mom came in my room and, "do I need to call officer KC? She will come get you!" I remember getting dressed like lightening. I guess you could say Officer KC was another one I couldn't disappoint so I went to school..
                             
I can remember the last time I saw KC was in  Fernelius car dealership in RC. She was working there I think. I went in with a friend I believe.. She greeted us with a smile and my friend had to talk to someone so she walked away for a moment.. KC gave me a hug and then looked at me and asked if I was ok. I lied and said fine.. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't figure out how as the exactly the night before had been the one of times I hit pure rock bottom and I wanted to end it all.. But I did like I always did and buried it.. We left and I never saw her again.. That night I went home and wrote down everything! I had conviced myself I needed to tell someone. I couldn't keep it inside anymore!! I never mail it and then she moved away! Then it got lost somewhere! I've never forgetton how she helped me hang on to life tho in and out of school!! She will always be a hero and I'm beyond blessed to have reconnected recently!!

I thank God everyday how placed and continues to place people lik Officer KC, Ms. Coe, Jamie, Miss Vigus, Mrs.Green and many of my angels in my life to help me realize that there is light in life if I just look for it!! 

Thanks for reading!! Please comment if u wish and please continue to join me in my quest to find 365 pictures!! 

TTFN, DREAMGIRL 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

365 days of pictures: the story of a princess and her sister!





This is my other best friend in the whole world.. Her name is Princess. She is 2.5 years old and appx 2.6 lbs. yes that is small for a dog but she is as healthy as can be :) but the way I ended up with princess is quite a funny but strange story.. 

Almost about three years ago I was looking for a small dog as I had gotten rid of George my cat and I don't like a lonely house so I began looking into getting a small dog as my dad at the time was my landlord. I looked online at so many different dogs. I had found a little female chihuahua in Jackson but she would have costed me gas money plus 100.. I had almost had given up hope when a friend I worked with said to me one night "my neighbor has a chihuahua that he needs a home for"..my friend told me I can bring her to you. She brought me the puppy and I loved her at first sight. I named her Tinkerbelle. 
                                  
                                             This is Lucy just a few weeks old 

After able three months after having "belle", my parents and I noticed belle put on some weight. It we brushed it off as maybe she was getting over fed.. Well weeks went by and we knew something was up.. My mom joked, "she looks pregnant"! I said no way! Impossible! Well not so impossible! On June 30,2011, princess and Lucy were born in the middle of the night.. Yes I panicked the whole time.. As they were the tiniest things. 
                                         Princess a few weeks old.. 


When the babies were old enough my mom and I discuss the option of me getting a rid of them. Well I have one of those hearts that hates to give up things. So my mom decided to take the bigger puppy to  my parents house till they could find a home for Lucy... Let's just say they fell in love and Lucy remains at their house which is nice so I get to see her! On the other hand I got to keep the tiniest one princess!  She is just like one of my babies! She has given a few scares but has pulled thru. 

This picture shows the size difference of Lucy (far right) and Pricess (front left) also picture is their mom belle! 


I love my girls with all my heart! They are their when I need someone to cry with and they are there when I need someone! 


I hope you all have a great night!!! Xoxo, DREAMGIRL 

Saturday, February 15, 2014

365 days of pictures: scars tell a story


They say a scar tells a story and I believe this.. For instance this scar is a really weird story.. This is a picture if my left foot.. How I got this weird pattern scar is: 

I was standing in the kitchen of my parents house and was leaning againist a stood by the stove as my mom and I and a friend of mine was baking stuff.. Well we talked and continued to bake and I moved the stool and went and sat behind the counter so my mom could get the stuff out of the oven.. 

Around I'd say about 20 mins I looked down at my foot and it looked funny. I asked mom and she grab ice and stuff.. With my Spina bifida I have no feeling in my feet.. Well my foot began to blister.. Mom looked at me and said how did u burn ur foot.. I hadn't a clue.. So we wrapped it up and back tracked my steps.. 

Come to find out I had somehow gotten my foot too close to the hot tong things under the oven! Lesson learned there! 

Have a beautiful day people!! Thanks for reading!! 

Ttfn, DREAMGIRL 

365 days of pictures: never forget your friends

                                      
This card I received in the mail a few months back and it carries a special place in my heart! It is from a very dear friend/teacher. She has never gave up on me even when I was a true witch to her. She helped me in so many ways I can't even begin to describe how Sandi Lee has helped me. She was the first P.E. to make me participate it every. She was tough.. But I look back on those days and I thank God each day Ms.Lee never gave up on me at all. She is a true hero and I'm blessed to have her in my life!! 


So many teachers don't realize the real impact they have on kids unless the kids speak up and for me I believe teachers are the world. I am blessed to be surrounded by many teachers that I called my friends/family and I love them with all my heart!! I thank each of you for never giving up on me!! 

So THANK A TEACHER TODAY!! Ttfn, DREAMGIRL 

365 of pictures: the heart of the matter..

              

The above picture is the only card I can find that my grandma Rita sent me. She was really good at sending a card every holiday we didn't get to see her on. The reason I choose this picture is not only was it valentines day yesterday but I was having a rough day and finding this when going thru things made me remember she is always with me somehow. It's gonna take a bit to let go of my past but I'm never giving up!! 

Happy belated valentines day everyone!! I love you all!! 


Thursday, February 13, 2014

365 of pictures: one of my best friends!



                These are the first pictures I have of my best friend Tinkerbelle (belle). She is a chihuahua mixed with something. My friend Kim gave her to me and she was the scared little thing I had ever seen. But once I saw her I knew she was the best friend I needed. I've had her for almost 3.5 years and they have been some of the best with her by my side :) she is the sweetest thing.

I hate the strerotype on chihuahuas being a nippy barking little dog. Well I can say this belle doesn't bit. She does take getting use to. Just like any dog you have to give her space. I've had her around kids and such. For the most part she ignores them. She is a working progress just like me but when I got her I'd never be able to take her places as she was timid but she is getting better. :) 

I love you Tinkerbelle with all my heart!! 
In my opinion animals are just like humans they have feelings and such!! They shouldn't be mistreated or abandoned! 

Ttfn, dream girl 


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

365 days of picture: saying goodbye to a girl/woman who saved me thru rough patches



I wake up today and find out that another one of my heroes had died. Shirley Temple was an amazing actress and person! She helped me thru a lot growing up. She was my go to gal when I needed a smile. From her catch phases like " O MY WORD" or her many songs she sang I admire her and wanted to be just like her. Her movies became my light in my childhood. She was there when I was sad and needed some hope! I continue to watch her movies as they are part if who I am! 

I always loved in a lot of her movies the daddy/daughter bond that is shown in them.. In one her dad goes to serve in the war and her mom dies and her dad goes behind enemies lines to take her to an aunt but gets caught and goes to jail. Shirley temple goes to the White House to talk to Abe Lincoln. In other one her dad goes to war and she gets shipped to a all girls school. They get word that her dad is considered dead but she is determined to find him. In the end they both work out find but it was the bond between them that i always admire about her movies. 

It's always sad when someone you admire dies but it hard to know you will never get a chance to tell them how they impacted your life! So if you get the chance to tell anyone famous or not how you feel take that oppuniuty and don't let it slip by because you never know when they will slip Away!! 

I love you Shirley Temple and you will be forever in my heart!! Xoxo

Ttfn, dream girl 

Monday, February 10, 2014

365 days of pictures: trying to heal a shattered heart



Cancer.. Small little world but a word that took the one person who I thought believed in me.. The one person who I could call crying on the phone because someone was mean at school or got in a fight with mom.. Cancer is a cruel word.. It kills a person every 4 mins.. Cancer took my childhood and ripped it in two.. 

For years I wanted to talk about my grandma or hear stories of her as I was only 10 when she died but no one talks about her any more. It's like she was there but not there..  I know most don't want to feel the hurt about losing her and for many years I buried it so deep no one would have known.. I became numb and I guess it's what everyone calls depression. I was put on pills to control my emotions because my parents thought it was best. Well I began to hate my parents more and quit taking them as I believe they didn't help.. I didn't want help, all I wanted was the people who left me back! 

For me she was there everytime we had to go to Detroit. We would go down and stay at her house the night before so we didn't have that far to drive.. She would come up for VIP day for my school and every Christmas concert we had.. We would get together at Christmas time at her house or I remember something at my Aunt Kathy's house. 

Yes most of you think why didn't my parents see me fall or even continue to see me struggle.. Well it's hard for anyone to watch someone fall in a hole. When I was a teen we all went to family therapy once.. I acted up and we left. I couldn't  just talk to someone about my feelings in person. But it seem like when my grandma died the bond between my family and I was torn in two some more..

It's taken me years to take about my darkest of all days and the struggle each day it is to get the hell out of bed to face the world as when you live thru depression your world stops. You quit living. All you want is to have that moment back! I will never quit fighting ever!! I will learn to live my life the way I am suppose to and when it's all over my friends and family that have died will be there waiting for me:) 
Sorry if this repeats anything I've written in the past but it's what's on my mind today! Xoxo
Ttfn, dream girl 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

365 days: puzzles



               


This above picture is of one of the three puzzles I have done in the past two weeks.. With the weather has been yucky I don't go many places so this keeps me busy.. I love the challenge of a puzzle. I usually do 750 pieces or 1000 pieces. This one happens to just be a 200 piece one my mom found. It will fit perfectly in my bedroom :) If you ever came into my house you would see I have tons of puzzles glued and hung up. I love how well they make great wall pictures.. 

So if you need a challenge pick up a puzzle and challenge you brain :) sorry for being short but catching up :) thanks for reading!! Love you all!! Comment if you wish I love feed back!! 

Ttfn, dream girl :) 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

365 of pictures: under the bed isn't just for monsters

                

I don't own this picture but i believe it goes with my post.. Theres are a lot from my childhood I would love to forget from the fights with my parents and myself about living with a disability to losing people I love.. 

The view like in this picture was a occurance when I was little.. I would hid under my bed so I wouldn't have to go to school or when I was in trouble. I would just hide under here and cry. NO my parents did not abuse me. Yes I grew up where you got ur mouth slapped for back talking and butt paddled for doing something wrong. But I can't hide that my parents and I did get into fights.. Many of them did get rough but I wasn't the easiest kid to raise.. But there are so many things I wish I had done differently or my parents had done.. Maybe I wouldn't be the way I am today.. 

I don't remember how old I was but my parents and brothers were away on a sports trip and I had convince them to let me stay home.. They left and i spent while watching tv and did things I had done when they left.. On this particular night it wasn't anything bad.. But I can remember I was sitting on the couch and the telephone rang and it was my brother I believe or it might have been my dad.. I can't quite remember but all they said was I needed to lock all the doors and turn all the lights off.. So keying bad had happen to the family that lived down the road who I was friends with the daughter.. It was a family who was very down on their luck.. The dad was in jail and it was a mom and her new boyfriend and kids.. They basically lived in a shack but anyhow back to the story.. They called and told me I needed to lock all the doors and don't not answer the door for anyone.. The told me there was a man who had just killed his girlfriend (the kids mom) and they didn't know where he was headed but he might have gone in the woods.. Well I can remember be freaked completely out.. I locked all the doors and hid under my brothers jesse's bed and cried.. I just remember being scared out of my wits and no one was there to comfort me.. 

My parents and brothers came home in the morning and I kept all my feelings inside about it all because I believe it wasn't important and I shrugged it all off but I believe it was the start of my realizing fear was real.. Come to find out the guy killed himself.. 

So my advice is if something bad happens talk to your kids and make sure they are ok! It maybe a bigger thing than u realize!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

365 days of pictures: 1st male to steal my heart

                  


This is George. He was my best friend. Yes I am a cat person.. I guess I grew up for a love of all animals and thur out my childhood I had a lot of cats and kittens but George will always be one that I will treasure forever. He was there for my first move into my first apartment.. He was there when I needed someone to cry with.. I was very sad I had to get a rid of George but due to a few things I had to get a rid of him.. It broke my heart but he will always be in my heart!!   



Ttfn, dream girl 

365 of pictures: the light at the end of the tunnel

Hi everyone, 

I hope you all are well and keeping warm!! This past week has been on of my hardest I have had in a while. I know it's not healthy to fall into old ways and I'm trying to beat them.. 




I choose this picture because it is what I hang on to each day because it gives me hope knowing there is HOPE even in the darkness of places..

For many years I lived into a life that I thought was the best I deserved.. I would go places and hang with people I thought were best because I wanted to feel needed and loved.. Don't get me wrong I love my parents but it was like I was just there..  But as years when on and certain things happened in my life I wasn't sure how to deal with them so I would bottle them up and close them up tight.. I would slowly piece by piece break into as something else happened.. I was great at faking a smile or just say I was fine when actually inside I was slowly dieing.. 

 I learned this past week that I am a working progress but I am also human.. Yes feelings came back that I thought I had buried deep down inside but I'm learning I'm never alone in this fight.. Each person is placed in my life for a purpose and its up to me to figure out those purposes! 

So I say this tonight: if you are struggling, please keep fighting! Even in the darkest of tunnels there is a light at the end of it.. Mine happens to be a few friends, hope, my hero Reba, and my determination to never quit.. I can't promise I will never fall or crumble again but as I learned this past week I have people who do truly care!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

365 days of pictures day 3: winter blues



This is the view out my window a few days ago. For a girl that has lived in michigan her whole life you think she would be used to the snow. Well when I was a kid I like to go out and play in it with my brothers but as I have grown older I learned me and snow have become enemies. A lot has to do with I have no balance to begin with so it is not a good thing to get thru. It also causes problem in the winter boots apartment as finding boots that cover over leg braces is a pain. 

This winter has been especially hard because of owning a house and learning the ups and downs of that has been stressful. It's been a hard winter for sure.. I'm tired of being cooped up so much it's becoming hard to stay positive! 

So this girl is ready for spring to come anytime :) sorry for being so short but trying to catch up :) love y'all!! Please continue to read along! I appreciate you all so much! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Day 2 of 365 pictures of the year: a blessing and curse




These are diagrams of what Spina Bifida is and how it would look before surgery..  I know I have written about this so many times you probably get sick of hearing about it but living day to day with it is a struggle and it is my way of coping with it. To inform people of how it affects me and a little refresh of what it is.. So I couldn't do the 365 days pictures without speaking about it :) 


Spina bifida, the most common NTD, is one of the most devastating of all birth defects. It results from the failure of the spine to close properly during the first month of pregnancy. In severe cases, the spinal cord protrudes through the back and may be covered by skin or a thin membrane. Surgery to close a newborn's back is generally performed within 24 hours after birth to minimize the risk of infection and to preserve existing function in the spinal cord.

People with spina bifida need to learn mobility skills, and often with the use of crutches, braces, or wheelchairs can achieve more independence. Also, with new techniques they can become independent in managing their bowel and bladder problems. Physical disabilities like spina bifida can have profound effects on one's emotional and social development. It is important that health care professionals, teachers, and parents understand these physical capabilities and limitations. To promote personal growth, they should encourage children with spina bifida (within limits of safety and health) to be independent, to participate in activities with their non-disabled peers and to assume responsibility for their own care. 

Other facts about spina bifida are as follows: 
- the cause of SB is unknown 
-Spina bifida affect 1 in 1000 babies born each year.. 
- Each case of Spina Bifida is a unique as the individual. 
- there is no cure for Spina Bifida but there have been advancing on how to prevent it but no cure has been found yet.. 



Living with Spina Bifida is one of the hardest things in my whole life. I guess a lot has to do with growing up in a town where no one had it or had heard of it. Also growing up with two older althetic brothers was rough to as I was ashamed of my disability and still struggle to this day with why I have it. Spina bifida to me is a learning experience. It's a curse and a blessing all wrapped into one package. My certain case of Spina bifida comes with bathroom issues( I cath every three-four hours, I wear special underwear), hydrocephalus (means water on the brain), spotty feeling from the waist down. I have had many surgeries for my shunt, which is a tube like device in my body that drains fluid off my brain. With dealing with Spina bifida on a daily basis I had/have a lot of social problems. I went to normal school and with that came the looks the stares, the talks behind your back, and such. Well it cuts deep but I was taught never to let it show so I kept inside which lead to destruction of my confidence. 

Ok enough about my disability.. I won't bore u anymore! If you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to ask me. I used to not be able to answer many or was shy to talk about it but thru the years I have learn to share my experiences :) All in all all I want and what others like me what is acceptance. To be treated like a real person.. 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Monday, February 3, 2014

365 days : dreaming of gold

                   


The Olympics have just started and so it made me think back to when I first starting loving the people in the above college of pictures. I remember loving to watch the ice skAting event each time it was on. From the amazing outfits and the amazing technique.. It made me want to try it myself but I believe my disability never would allow me as it took away much of the balance I have.. 

Tara Lipinski is the first one I know that stuck out as someone I admire.. I can remember exactly how amazing I thought it was when she won gold at the Olympics. I feel in love with her drive and determination. I also loved Scott Hamilaton for his back flips and I was in awe of how graceful Michelle Kwan was.. 
 
I fell in love with ice skating everything from movies like Ice Pricess and Ice Castles. I included a Barbie doll I got when I was just a little girl about the time Tara won the gold and yes I named her Tara. I would close my eyes and pretend she was me :) 

Each of the figure skaters thru out the years have made some impact on my life but the thing I remember most is they all gave or give me hope in my dreams.. 
Never give up on your dreams even if they seem miles away! I wish every competitor at the Sochi games the best!! You are all heroes in my eyes!! Even tho I don't have tv Go TEAM USA! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

365 pictures of my life :) a simple dress

They say a picture says speaks 1000 words.. Well I have been seeing all over Facebook that people are doing 365 days of picture and I have decided to take that challenge so everyday I will make a blog about a certain picture or pictures.. There will be pictures I have taken, I am in or some of  my favorite things and people :)  Some will be longer than others but I hope you all will join me everyday and hopefully learn more about me! 

So I wanted to start with this certain picture because in all honesty this was one of my favorite nights! This picture was taken at my brother Jesse's wedding to his beautiful bride Mallissa on October 15, 2011.. It was nerve racking as I had never been in a wedding before and such but it was some of the most fun I had in a long time! I had a hate/love relationship with this dress.. It is the only dress I currently own :) 

I'm not one to like getting dressed up but I felt for the first time like a princess! I have always had self  confidence issues and it not just because I have a disability but growing up with two brothers I never had the urge to get all dressed up!  I'm still learning to love what I see in the mirror .. It's not the easy thing to do as for years I looked at myself as useless and ugly! This is why I tell every girl I know they are beautiful because I know what it is like to not feel good enough for anything! 

So to the person reading this even if you feel the worst and the ugliest that you are beautiful and have a purpose :) 

Thanks for reading! Please comment if u wish! I love feedback, it makes me know people actually want to read what I write! Please join me everyday for a new picture :) 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Monday, January 20, 2014

The elephant story

Hey everyone,
I hope that you all are having a great day/night! Thank you again for reading this. I hope that i can continue to inspire people with whatever I can do.. I know my story isnt the the best one and yes most of all of it could have been different but I just how fate wanted it.


There is a story that I found that honestly it explains how I feel lately and in the past..


ELEPHANT ROPE
As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.


He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. Well, trainer said, when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, its enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.


I know I should be able to just go out and show the world what I am made of. But for so many years I have just went with the flow... I would take what I get.  Living in a fog that kept me safe.. Pushing my dreams farther and farther away. I am not saying my parents I don't love my parents but they had two other kids to worry about. They never saw me falling down and I didn't want them to see.. I would tell myself that I wasnt any good.. I was different and not any good. I would fail at something and I would prove that I was lousy and nothing!   I would say I will never break free of my disabilty or in fact depression.



I know now that I cant think that way. I have a long way to go but I now know that I will get there someday. I have a hero (Reba McEntire) and I have a head full of dreams! I have amazing friends that keep me up! I also realize that its ok to have down days but I just cant beat myself up about them. Like the saying goes two steps foward, one step back.. you still have one more step then before. So I am going to keep moving forward one step at a time.. Oh and I dont cry myself to sleep everynite anymore. So I know that it seems like I am going no where, I am actually am moving forward.. just at my own pace :) 

So my advice to everyone is live your life whether it's baby steps or big steps.. As long as you move forward you will some day break the rope that you have been use to and will show the world you're lights!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Please comment if you would like! I love reading feedback!! 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Mixed emotions with no way to turn

So I haven't wrote a blog post in almost a year which is so sad because I have probably lost all my readers! But this past year was one of changes.. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of them.. It's like I'm in unknown territory and not sure which way to walk next.. Sorry if this is confusing as I am trying to unboggle my brain tonight... 

 I moved into my first house.. One would be excited and I was at first you know the imagine of this perfect little house that is just mine.. Well I am trying to hang onto the positive side of this whole thing as it has turn into a nightmare I want to wake up from..   I don't know if it's just winter but I have cried more since living here it's terrible.. It all began with the heat.. Pellet stove quit after working a few weeks.. Then furnace got started.. We'll that almost burned my house down.. We got the pellet stove going and i ran out of pellet one night.. Of course my pipes freeze.. And it went downhill from there.. But for now I am working on being warm and pipes are doing ok..  First of all I am not one to be able to fix things.. I'm a person that has to have instructions and many things around this house doesn't have them.. It's hard though because I thought this is what I wanted a house all to myself and have a yard and such but I realized that I did want it but not like this.. 

Lately I have been wrestling with so many emotions I am not sure how to untangle them.  For years in I have tried to be the perfect daughter to make up for what I had done as a kid.. One would look at me and my family and see a happy family but we are far from it.. I love my family but I haven't felt I belonged since I can remember.. I was the little girl that wet her pants or couldn't do what others were doing.. I would throw fits and lock myself in my room and listen to music . When I was in my senior year of high school I was shipped to my grandparents house to finish school.. I know my parents thought it was the best thing for me as all my mom and I did was argue but For years I convinced myself I was nothing.. I was just someone they could ship away when they didn't want me..  I would never be the boys and I will never be the perfect daughter... My dad isn't the best to understand things and to this day i don't have the best relationship with him. I know they tried the best but I don't understand any of it.. I know it's my fault for not listening and not doing what I was suppose to do.. 
I feel like a failure.. I feel like this girl that can't make her parents and others proud.. I have these dreams but I have no clue how to reach or step towards them.. I don't know how to do a lot of things like health wise and such.. I feel like a low life living off the state and not being able to help myself.. 

Thanks for reading!! Sorry if it hard to understand I'm just trying to figure it all out 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Monday, December 31, 2012

Goodbye 2012


2012 has been an eye opener for sure..

The start of it I was in a place where I went with the flow and really didnt know what to do.. Thought that I didnt matter and that living day to day waiting for basically nothing. I was trying to figure out how to help myself but I had dug a hole deeper than most.. Crying most nights due to I was so ashamed of where I was at in life and not sure how to get anywhere.. I had a few friends that couldnt take the pressure and decided that the best way to heal the pain was to end it all.. I had really thought that no one cared but only a few.. Maybe that would heal what I felt inside. I didnt realize that if I would have ended it all I wouldnt have gain strength in my dreams and hopes. I wouldnt have gain a whole new outlook on life.

This past summer has been one for the record books. I realized so much in myself and in others I had shut out for so many years. I did things I hadnt done in years due to I was scared of being happy, afraid of letting go.. I found a bunch of people that not only have showed me so many things in life but have saved it. I rekindled a friendship that I didnt think was still there with Laureen Feild. I missed her so much! Jenna Jones is one special person. She has helped me realize so much this year.  I found a best friend that loves me for me and helps me realize the positive side of things. I could go on and on naming everyone that has become friends from the bunch of teachers/parapros and to strangers on Facebook that are some of my near and dear friends.  I found what friendship really means this past year.


One of the biggest things this year is I realized what family really means. Whether it is blood or not. Yes, I have a family that I love dearly and know they love me but I had always felt like some thing was missing or that I felt like a wall flower. As people were passing away the love that was there seem to disappear little by little. It seemed like everyone was going their separate ways on both my mom and dad's side of the family. I began to pull more away.

This summer I got to meet my "second" family. I had been friends with a teacher that use to work at the Elementary and Middle School I went to. Rebecka Vigus has showed me so much this year and last year that I am grateful every second of everyday. She is like a second mom. It started with going to see a camper that use to go to Acorn Buddy Camp and who happens to be Ms.Vigus's nephew. I met his mom Diane who is a incredible woman I might add. She is such a special lady. Then I sent a note to Jamie (Ms.Vigus's daughter,who I had heard so many incredible things about) that said that I was so grateful for her mom and couldnt wait to meet Jamie. We become friends on Facebook and talked through there. Jamie helped me out of a few sticky situations. One of one best days of 2012 that I will remember forever is when I got to meet the rest of Ryan's family and Ms.Vigus's daughter Jamie and her amazing family. That day changed my life for the best. I gain a sister Jamie (who I might add is the greatest. We talk everyday whether through text or Facebook (It makes me feel like I matter to someone and keeps me going)) and a whole family that day! I wont forget the love and how they accepted me for me and not a person with a disability. I love each and everyone of you and I could go on about each of you but just know that you all have made a difference in my life for the better and I am grateful to each of you.    


There is a saying that says that "One Person can change the world." 2012 has shown me that not only is this true but if you stand your ground anything is possible. There are so many issues in the world but if we only would open our eyes to them, we can change the way the world is. This past year my "sister" took on bullying which is a hard situation to begin with but she change not only the life of one girl but I know she has changed many lives of people out there with the Facebook page she made and the kindness she has for those in need. Sadly, the other person that has basically changed the world is gone but his message will live on in the hearts of his family and all that knew him.. Jayden Lamb was a inspiration. He fought so hard with cancer but he always lived by the message of Pay It Forward. His story is one of millions of kids fighting for their lives and want the simple thing in life "Love".

Some more highlights of 2012 are:
* Getting a email from my hero Reba McEntire through the help of one of my heroes Keith Allen!
* Getting to see Ms.Coe a few times especially around my birthday. She is family and its always nice to get to see her and catch up. I miss her so much but she is never far from my heart.
* Getting to see Mrs.Kathy Green a bunch of times. The fair and the surprise around my birthday were some of the highlights. She also is family and has been one of my biggest fans. I love her so much.
*Learning to use Twitter and get to know stars like Mallary Hope, Julie Roberts (she is a hero of mine) and get tweets from Mellissa Peterman, Martina McBride, Reba (twice), and others. Its makes me love country music so much more.
* Getting to know Kathy Cash (Johnny Cash's daughter) and Julie Roberts on FACEBOOK! I love them both so much!
*Megan Patjas coming to see me! She is my sister and to see her refreshed my faith in friends.
*Helping out my cousin Ashley and DJ with the kids.
*Learning to let go.. From the little things to some big things. It helps to get things off your chest.
*Taking it day by Day.. Moment by moment because you dont know when your time is up so treasure every moment.


So I am saying goodbye to all the things that happened in 2012. Not only has 2012 changed my life but I am learning to move forward and to DREAM! I am asking everyone to hold there love ones this new year and try to spread more love than Hate! We can all change the world if we just look at things a different way.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! PLEASE SHARE IF YOU WOULD LIKE!! LETS MAKE 2013 the BEST YEAR YET!!!! <3

Monday, November 26, 2012

I am thankful for... Strangers that turn into Family

Hi Everyone,
I hope that you are all having a great night/day! I hope you had a amazing Thanksgiving. Today is the birthday of a young woman who has changed my life for the better. I also want to talk about her family because these people have become like my second family. I credit her with helping me save my life. They all encourage me when I need it. They are there when I am feeling blue. They basically gave me Hope back




Over this past summer, I was learning how to do new things. I had found Jenna and was doing new things with her and trying to get out of my comfort zone. Ms.Vigus is a teacher I knew of in school. She was always really sweet and kind to everyone. I didnt really get to know her till this past year or so. Ms.Vigus would talk about how amazing her daughter Jamie is and how I am so much like her. I thought she was crazy "How could I be like someone I don't know". Through her stories of Jamie I began to idolize Jamie. Its crazy to think I could idolize someone I've really never met but I began to.

I found Jamie on Facebook one day and I sent her a message telling her how amazing I thought her mom was and that she told me all about her. She sent me a message back thanking me and saying hopefully one day we could meet in person. I couldnt help but wish that myself. A month or so went on and Jamie and I  talked every once in a while. She gave me alot of advice when I was down. It helped to know someone was there.

Ms.Vigus's is the aunt of a camper that use to go to Acorn Buddy Camp years ago.  I didnt realize this till a few years ago. This summer, Ms.Vigus sent up a time that Ryan and I could get together. It was fun to get to see Ryan again. Brought back alot of memories. I got to meet Diane (Ryan's mom and Ms.Vigus's sister). She is one of the sweetest people I know. She was so welcoming and such. Made me feel so loved.

One day Ms.Vigus and I were talking and she said Jamie and her family was going to be up at Diane's cabin for the weekend. She asked if I would love to go meet them. I was like "Yes" but I also had that feeling of "What if they dont like me?" "What if I make a fool of myself?". I realized also that the day they would be up was the same day as my cousin's wedding. In all honesty I've never felt like I belonged in my dad's side of the family. I was always the one sitting on the sidelines. I dont really get along with a bunch of them because they are so judgemental and its hard to stay positive with people like that. So when I had to make the choice to go with Ms.Vigus to see Jamie and her family I instantly told her yes. Jamie helped me through some things that most of my dad's family never saw. That day on the lake was so much fun. Not only was Jamie so sweet and kind so was her family. I had an amazing time once I relaxed. While there Jamie asked if I wanted to ride the Jet Ski. I hadnt rode one since my grandma died. Something told me though to do it. So i did. We cruised around the lake. I looked up at the sky. I saw a cloud that looked like a smile. For the first time I felt calmness and relief like my Grandma was telling me to do things even though it made me think of her but in a happy way. I gain a whole new family that day but most important I found a new true friend/sister that I know will be there for me always!

Jamie took on the issue of bullying a little while ago. A girl was being bullied in the local school in my hometown and Jamie set up a Facebook page in support of her. She never dreamed it would go the direction it did. It went National. I for one was so inspired because I always was a person who thought one person cant make a difference especially me because of my Spina Bifida. Jamie showed me that you can make a difference if you stand up for what is right. I attended my first football game in years with Jamie and Ms.Vigus. I would have never done that a year ago at all.

Jamie made this idea to make a video to help set up a non-profit. Ms.Vigus asked me if I wanted to be included. I thought to myself that I would do this for Jamie and all the kids that have been bullied. The day of the video was an adventure for sure. It didnt go the way it was suppose to but I am just glad everything turned out OK  My love for my new family grew that day. I got to spend some one on one time with Jamie and it was like having a sister I never had. I felt like I can tell her anything and ask her anything.

Although Jamie lives a few hours away. She helps me in ways I had given up on. I send her a text everyday saying love you because it makes me feel like I made her day doing that and I have a purpose to get up each day. I also get a hold of Ms.Vigus and Jamie to make sure they are doing OK because it makes me feel better about myself when I do.

Living with a disability can have it challenges and learning that Depression is a real thing that I have to learn to conquer is rough. I have great days that are positive and such. Also have rough days. This past week was a rough one. My parents were going to my brother and his wife in GA for Thanksgiving. I felt alone and lost. I know I wouldnt be totally alone but I just was unsure of not having my parents around for a holiday. I was strong for the most part accepting it and such. I went to my grandmas for dinner and was having a good day. I got home and wanted to clean a bit, I was sorting through some papers that I needed to go throw and toss. I found this envelope and wondered what it was. I opened it and my head began to spin. Inside was one of the notes I had written years ago when I just wanted to end it all. Yes, I had gone that low. I began to get those feeling and such. I really did feel alone, sitting there in my apartment. As I got done reading those horrible words on the page something caught my eye. It was a picture. The picture of the photos of Jamie and I the day of the video shoot. I sat there and hugged that picture. When I say she saves my life this is what that means. It scared me to realize how much easy it can be to slip into my old ways but it also gave me hope that I can get through anything with the help of my sisters and new family and the bunch of people supporting and loving me. So I am not giving up yet for the sake of my sister and my new family! <3


That is why today I am grateful totally for Jamie Kline. Rebecka Vigus, The Sather Clan, and the rest of the Kline and Vigus Clan! Words cant express how much I love you all especially you Jamie. You continue to help me get up each day with hope faith, trust, and love. Thank you for all you do for me!

Here is my piece of advice to anyone who wants to give up, DONT! Find someone to talk to! Everyone matters to someone!

TTFN, DREAM GIRL

PS. I am sorry for the tears this may have cause! I love you and wanted to tell you what my heart was saying! <3